This is the real me, Logan Mitchell
by InsanityIsBetter
Summary: Logan Mitchell, smart, handsome, amazing person. Those are a few words you associate to him. But is that the way he sees himself? Unfortunately no. Read about how Logan sees himself and how he feels. Warning: Cutting. Language.Kogan and slight Jarlos.
1. Chapter 1

Iz me! I'm back with a new story! Yea! It's a Kogan with side Jarlos. Cuz' you know, who can resist? Definitely not mee! Well, let's get on with this disclaimer!  
>Disclaimer:<p>

Me: I do not own anything you may recognize. If I did…

James: If she did scary things would happen.

Me: Hells to the yea! Scary things, scary things, scary things! Nothing with clowns though…

Logan: Yea, yea, yea. Let's get on with the story. I wanna read it and see how effed up I am.

Me: *insert evil laugh* Okay, if you're sure!

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><p>Logan's P.O.V.<p>

_Cut 1-_ You're worthless.  
><em>Cut 2- <em>No one would care if you died.  
><em>Cut 3- <em>You're a nerd.  
><em>Cut 4- <em>You're ugly.  
><em>Cut 5- <em>You're a fuck up.

These are the thoughts going on in my head as I slash my wrists. This is the life of Logan Mitchell. Some of you are probably thinking, _"What the fuck does he have to be depressed about?"_ And if I were in your shoes I would probably be thinking the same. Except I'm not.

Maybe I should explain the significance of all of this? I probably shouldn't have started off just, you know, saying _"Oh hey look, I cut myself!" _That wasn't one of my finer moments was it? I don't care anymore though. I'm sick of this life and this place. I'm just ready for it all to end. Well, let's go on to the significance of each cut shall we? Joy…

_Cut 1- You're worthless. _Seriously, why the fuck does anyone keep me around? I can't dance or sing! I can't get the guy I'm in love with to pay me any attention. My friends have been ignoring me and Mama Knight always glances at me like she knows I'm doing something wrong. It's not like I'm hurting anybody else… Just myself.

_Cut 2- No one would care if you died. _Well, as I said earlier, my friends have been ignoring me. I have no clue what I did though. I was probably just being myself. That actually explains it. Okay, I'll explain how I know my friends have been ignoring me. Every time I ask Carlos or James to hangout, they say they are going on a date. HELLO, YOU DON'T GO ON 5 DATES IN ONE DAY! Do they seriously think I'm that stupid? Never mind, don't answer that. Well, moving on. Kendall only wants to hang out with Jo, the stupid love of his life. Why the hell does he love her? Seriously, she's a fake blonde. She doesn't even hide that fact right! If she's going to die her hair blonde, then she needs to die her eyebrows blonde too! Common knowledge! Then Camille… I thought she was going to become one of my best friends. I told her about all the shit I was dealing with… Guess I learned my lesson. People don't care if you're around. They could care less if you died.

_Cut 3- You're a nerd. _Everyone **used **to make fun of how smart I was. That was before they started to ignore me. I was called names daily because I was so smart. I guess I'm not smart anymore since I started to cut myself… Oh well. If I could have the days where my friends teased me a little about being too smart, I would be so happy. At least then I would know they cared.

_Cut 4- You're ugly. _Eh, it's true. I know I've never been the best looking guy around but lately I've noticed I'm far from even looking good. I guess I should thank Jett for helping me realize that. If he hadn't started calling me names and pointing out all my flaws, I'd be all happy and naïve and lost in my own fake little world. Now, where would the fun in that be?

_Cut 5- You're a fuck up._ I've embraced the fact. You know, with Gustavo telling me about how bad of a dancer and singer I am, it has to be true. I know he's only looking out for the band. Beside, Kelly always looks at me and there's always something in her eyes. Pity I'm guessing. Not even 2 hours ago Gustavo yelled at me for being a fuck up. This time my best friends, or _ex-best friends_, didn't even stand up for me. They must all be sick of me…

I'm going to address my statement up above. You know the one where I said I was in love with a guy? You probably don't. People don't listen to me much anymore… Not that I blame them of course. Anyways, I'm in love with a guy, an unattainable guy at that. Mr. Impossible if you will. Want to know who? Probably not, but I'll tell you anyways. Kendall Knight. Yea, my straight best friend who is in love with his girlfriend. It doesn't really help that I'm forced to share a room with him either. Thankfully he's barely in our room, usually with Jo or sleeping in Carlos's and James room. Well, the latter is what I'm more thankful for. I would be so much happier if he spent less time with the fake bimbo.

_*BAM!*_

I look up from writing in my journal; yes a journal not a diary, I'm not a girl; from the door slamming shut. I want you to take a guess on who just entered. If you guessed Kendall, you are correct. Oh, but not Kendall dressed in any regular clothes. In comes a wet Kendall in his plain black swim trunks riding low on his hips. And damn, if he isn't hot.

"Hey Kendall." I say quietly, almost as if I was shy.

'_Psh, you shy? If only he knew what went on in your head.' _

'_Shuddup.'_

I really hate when I have those stupid inner fights with myself. It's really a waste of my time. When I could've been drooling over Kendall and taking mental pictures of him, I got in a fight with myself and he went into the bathroom.

Wait, he went into the bathroom… Shit! I hope I remembered to clean up the blood! After that one time I forgot… Nope, that's never gonna happen again.

"Hey Logan, why is there blood in the sink?" Kendall asks leaving the bathroom with a towel in his hand.

'_Well, if you need help drying off, I could always help. I'm a pro with my tongue.'_

'_Damn you dirty thoughts slash stupid voice in my head, go away!'_

'_Someone's touchy.'_

"Oh, you know, I just got a bloody nose, no biggie." I reply, thanking the high heavens that the voice shut up.

"Okay. Well, I'm going to go back to the pool. Jo's waiting for me." Kendall states after giving me a weird look.

"Oh. Well, bye." I say having nothing else to say. Seriously though, what are you supposed to say to your secret crush?

Instead of replying Kendall does the stupid nod thing and leaves. Why the hell do people nod? Is it really too much effort to wave or say something? No. Damn idiots. Except Kendall, but I'm biased so… I think I'm gonna take a nap, too much excitement in one day for little old me. Plus, I'm tired. It's 4 p.m. and I was up at 7 a.m., don't judge.

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><p>So, how was it? Did you like it? Should I continue? Any suggestions? Since my telepathy is on the fritz for some reason, probably the penguins, click the little box that says review and do it! Review you pervs!<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Hello! Two updates in one day! Yea, I'm on a roll! Well, go on and read!  
>Disclaimer: I own nada!<p>

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><p>When I wake up the room is pitch black. I stick my arm our trying to find my phone, cuz you know, the dark means bad things. Unless you're a vampire, which unfortunately I'm not.<p>

_*Crash!*_

Oh shit. I do believe that was my phone… Leaning over my bed I try to look down without falling out. Just peeking from underneath my bed I see the light from my phone, which I am very thankful for. Slowly I reach down, finally able to reach it when my upper half of my body I almost pretty much on the floor. As soon as I grab my phone I go all ninja and push myself back on my bed. Though since it's me, I manage to push myself off my bed and hit Kendall's.

"Shut the fuck up Logan. No one wants to hear your dumb shit." I hear Kendall spit out.

Instead of replying my head droops and I get up, making my way to the bathroom and my savior. When I say my savior I mean my razor, just to let you know. I walk to the bathroom as quickly and quietly as possible, not wanting to get yelled at again. Unfortunately, it's me and I'm a klutz.

"Oomph!" I exclaim quietly, at least I hope it was quiet, after managing to stub my toe on the rug.

"I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Kendall yells from his bed sitting up and glaring at me.

My head droops down and my shoulders come forward, making me go into a protective stance. I glance up quickly and see a light go off in Kendall's eyes, making me run all the way into the bathroom and lock the door. As soon as I get in the bathroom I try to take deep breaths and avoid looking in the mirror. You know; don't wanna see how ugly I get after I cry. Yea, I said cry. The look in Kendall's eyes reminded me of the bullies from back in Minnesota. Right before the beast the living crap outta me. And right before I learned how my "best friends" actually felt about me.

_**Flashback**_

"_Hey Logie, watcha doin?" The school bully Zach Taylor says to me with an evil glint in his eyes._

"_O-oh y-y-you k-know, n-nothing." I manage to stutter out._

"_Well, we should fix that! Don't want poor Logie to be bored!" Zach says with an evil glint in his eyes, making Logan fold into himself._

"_I-I'm g-g-good." Logan says close to tears._

"_Naw, how about we play get the nerd?" Zach asks laughing._

_As soon as Zach says that, 5 of Zach's "friends" come out from behind trees and cars walking over to them._

"_Oh what do we have here? A scared nerd?" Zach's best friend Royce says shoving Logan._

"_I don't think he can even be called a nerd. That would mean he was someone, when he's a no one." Some guy from the back of the group called._

"_Right you are Brian!" Zach says, breathless from laughing._

"_P-please d-don't h-h-hurt m-me." Logan cries out, silent tears running down his face._

_All the bullies look at Logan before laughing, like what he said was hysterical. Laud laughs and chuckles were the only thing you could hear behind the school. Thinking he would be able to escape silently and quickly Logan begins to take small steps backwards. That works for a while until the laughter dies down and all eyes turn to him, seeing him running away. Thinking quick Logan turns around and bolts for the trees, hoping the leaves would give him coverage. All too soon all the bullies follow him, hot on his trail. _

"_If you keep running little cream puff, it's gonna be even worse for you. Actually, keep on running, I've itching to beat the crap outta you without your little friends to save you." Zach calls out, laughing at the end._

_Not turning around Logan tries to run faster, pushing his little legs as fast as they could go. Logan's heart is pounding, he's out of breath, and his muscles are starting to cramp._

"_You can run all you like Logan, but you can't hide." Zach says, sounding closer then Logan thought._

_Looking back to see how close they were, Logan trips over a branch on the ground, skidding across the forest floor._

"_Oh, the poor baby fell. What should we do now?" Royce says with an evil laugh._

_Curling up into a ball Logan tries to make himself as small as possible._

"_Time to teach this baby a lesson." Zach says, kicking Logan in the back._

_Taking Zach kicking Logan as a signal, all of Zach's friends help jump Logan, kicking whatever they can on the small boy._

"_S-s-stop." Logan tries to call out, only for it to come out in a whisper._

_After a swift kick to his temple, Logan blacks out, dead to the world._

_*Beep beep beep beep beep*_

_The beeping noise wakes Logan, making him wonder where he is. Trying to open his eyes, Logan's listens to his surroundings._

"_This is the fifth time Logan's end up in the hospital? Just this school year! It's only November!" Someone exclaims quietly._

"_I know! When the hell is he gonna learn how to fight back? I get that he's small, but that doesn't mean anything!" Someone else says anger in their voice._

"_Guys shut up. It's not like he can help it. He was born tiny." Maybe Kendall says._

'_At least someone is sticking up for me…' Logan thinks feeling tears welling in his eyes._

"_You just say that cuz you like him Kendall." James, probably, says._

"_Dude… have you seen him? How could anyone like him?" Carlos says laughing._

_There's complete silence in the room until they all start laughing like hyenas. _

"_I'm going to have to ask you guys to leave. Visiting hours are over." Someone new says, entering the room._

"_Okay. Let's go guys." Kendall says._

_You can hear their footsteps and the door shutting before the room in engulfed in welcome silence._

_Opening his eyes Logan looks up at the ceiling, silent tears running down his face. Taking a steadying breath he forces himself to stop crying, realizing that they probably didn't deserve his tears. Suddenly, the door opens, and some walks over to Logan's bed, sitting on the edge._

"_I'm sorry Logie. I'm sure that you heard all of that. I hope you know I don't mean it. I do love you; you're like a brother to me. James and Carlos are just jealous of how close we are. We do need to teach you how to fight though. I don't think I could handle you getting hurt anymore. I gotta go though. Carlos and James are waiting for me. Get better soon please, I miss you." Kendall says, kissing Logan's cheek gently._

_When Logan hears the door open and close again he curls into himself and cries. Cries for all the lies he was just told and cries from believing someone could actually care about him…_

*Present Day*

Closing the bathroom door and locking it, Logan finds his razor which was hidden underneath the sink. Closing his eyes he sits down on the edge of the tub and runs the razor across his wrist repeatedly. After 8 cuts he starts to feel woozy and puts the razor down, falling backwards.

In between blacking out Logan hears a knock on the door.

"Logan open the god damn door."

That's the last thing Logan hears before blacking out.

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><p>Hey you, you with the face. Review please! :D<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

HI! So, this isn't an update. I just want to know if you guys would rather have the next chapter in Kendall's P.O.V. or if you want me to continue it in Logan's P.O.V. Review and let me know what you want! Pleaseandthankyou! :D


	4. Chapter 4

So, I wanted to thank everyone who reviewed and said who's P.O.V. they wanted and Logan's won! Unless I really messed up my math counting skills, which may have happened. I was seriously thinking of doing both, but you know, _squoctobird _pointed out the whole consistency thing and having Kendall tell Logie bear what happened after he blacked out so, I'M GONNA DO THAT! :D Well, onto the story! I would also like to apologize for the long wait. First I had to finish summer reading, then I had school and OHMAHGAWD junior year is friggan hard. I. Hate. Chemistry. Then I got sick. I'm still sick but I really wanted to finish this for you guys! So, onto the story!

Disclaimer:  
>Me: I do not own the boys. No matter how much they wish I did!<p>

James: Or how glad we are that she doesn't.

Me: …

Logan's P.O.V.

_*Beep beep beep*_

'_Where the hell am I? What the hell is that beeping noise?'_ I think to myself as I try to open my eyes.

Struggling against the weight on them I try to listen to my surroundings.

"Why the hell would he try to kill himself?" Someone yells.

"Maybe because he's useless?" Someone states in a question form.

"Boys, what the hell has happened to all of you? Logan used to be one of your best friends and no you're treating him like his bullies did! I am so disappointed in all of you!" Someone yells, you could hear the tears in their voice.

"Sorry Mama Knight." Three different voices say.

Forcing my eyes opened I blink repeatedly, trying to make the bright light dim. Once I can see properly and not have everything burn I look around at all the faces. Mama Knight's show disappointment, Katie's shows sadness, Carlos and James show indifference and Kendall's, well, I can't see Kendall's because he's making out with his whore of a girlfriend.

"W-what are you guys doing here?" I croak out, my throat and mouth dry.

Pouring a cup of water Mama Knight hands it to me before responding.

"Well, you tried to commit suicide; we had to make sure you were all right."

"Did you ever think that maybe I wouldn't want you guys here? Maybe you guys drove me to this?" I say like it would be common knowledge.

"Logan, I know we haven't been there for you lately but killing yourself isn't the answer." Mama Knight says with tears in her eyes.

"So you'd rather I live and hate myself every day? Cut myself every day? Get beaten up every day? Have everyone call me names? Have no friends? Dream about dying? Well, aren't you considerate!" I reply in a sarcastic tone of voice.

"What the hell are you talking about? You have friends." James says with both eyebrows raised.

"Oh really? Please tell me who." I say with one eyebrow raised.

"Carlos, Kendall, me, Jo, Camille, Katie, Tyler, Guitar Dude, hell everyone at the Palm Woods!" James exclaims like it was obvious.

"Really? That's funny, seeing how no one noticed I was cutting myself, depressed, and being bullied all the time. What great friends I have!" I say sarcastically.

No one says anything; they just look at each other before finally looking at me again.

"Yea, that's what I fucking thought." I say when they just stare at me.

"Logan…" Carlos starts before I cut him off.

"What you're sorry? You fucking care now? Guess what, I don't fucking care anymore!" As soon as I say that tears start running down my face.

"Logan, hunny…" Mama Knight starts before I cut her off.

"I don't want to hear it. I'm done. Just leave." I say, trying to turn on my side without disrupting any of the tubes.

After a few moments I hear footsteps and the door open and close.

"You know, you didn't have to be so mean to them." Kendall says.

Turning over I see Kendall's the only one left in the room, leaning against the door.

"That's funny, seeing how you were all mean to me." I say rolling my eyes.

"What the fuck are you talking about? We've all been nice to you, we're your friends!" Kendall exclaims.

"Really now, then how come you didn't know I was cutting myself? How come you didn't know I was close to just ending my life? Did you really believe me when I said I got a bloody nose? Where were you when Jett was bullying me? Oh wait, you guys were too! Now, tell me again that you guys are my friends." I say, silent tears running down my face.

"Logan… I'm sorry." Kendall says; face pale and eyes welling with tears.

"Wanna know the funny thing here? If you apologized a week ago or hell yesterday, we wouldn't be here. Instead you acted like a dick to me and laughed when Gustavo told me what a screw up I was. See me killing myself would've just made everyone's lives easier. So whoever called Mama Knight or the police really fucked you all over." I say thoughtfully.

"Logan… you know we never really meant any of that. Dude, you're our best friend, we'd never purposely hurt you!" Kendall exclaims, sitting on the side of my bed.

"You guys have a real funny way of showing you care." I say, rolling my eyes.

"Logan, do you know how I felt seeing you lying on the floor, blood everywhere?" Kendall says, a tear slipping down his cheek.

"No, but I'm sure you're going to tell me." I say.

"I felt heartbroken; the first person I ever loved was either dead or dying. I couldn't even save you! I was useless and I couldn't stand the feeling! You were going through so much shit and I didn't even realize it! I was too wrapped up in getting over you and showing the guys that I had no feelings for you that I couldn't even see how broken you were. You have no idea how sorry I am. I am so fucking sorry!" Kendall starts sobbing at the end.

"You wanna know what's so funny? When you were trying to get over me, I was falling apart because the guy I was in love with hate me! You trying to get over me caused this! Funny how things work isn't it?" I say with a humorless laugh at the end.

"You love me?" Kendall asks, eyes alight with hope.

"Yes." I say honestly.

"Would, would you ever consider going out with me?" He asks, eyes shining just a little bit brighter.

"No."

"What? Why?" Kendall asks, his whole body deflating.

"Are you really asking me that? You fucking helped ruin my life and you want me to get closer to you emotionally? Are you fucking crazy? That would just give you and everyone else more ammo to hurt me with. Everyone fucking with me really showed me the only person I can trust is myself. If I trust anyone else they'll just hurt me, just like you." I say, my face emotionless.

"Logan, you have no idea how sorry I am that I hurt you. I wish there was some way that I could make it up. If I could make it up with you, would you then consider going out with me?" Kendall asks.

"I don't know, maybe." I say truthfully, not really expecting him to do anything.

"Then tell me how to make it up to you and I'll do it!" He says excitedly.

"It's not really that easy. If you really want to gain my forgiveness, which I doubt, then you're going to have to do it yourself."

"Fine. Then I'll do it. Just watch. Soon enough you're going to be in my arms, and more importantly, in my heart." Kendall says, kissing my cheek gently.

"Just wait till the rest of the guys hear this! Not too long ago you were trying to prove you have no feelings for me! What a riot. Oh, wait, what about Jo? Hmm, you should probably think of how much you love her and what it will mean if you try to woo me." I say smiling sweetly.

"I don't care about any of them. I love you, only you." He says standing up.

"I won't hold my breath." I say under my breath.

"You can, it won't take too long." Kendall says with a wink, quickly leaving my room.

"Shit. What did I get myself into?" I say to myself.

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><p>So, how was it? I think you should review and let me know!<p> 


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